What up Sports Survivors, it’s hike time on the Zero Credit(s) Grid Iron and the New England Footballs are roarin’ to go up against the St. Lou–Los Angeles Helmeted-Men. In the aftermath, no one is left pleased, save for a small community of people on the East Coast who have literally never known pain, for they have lived in the golden era of summer that is the blandest team in football. I mean, if you’re a fan of the New England Sucktriots, then fine. Feel free to continue living your fucking privileged life where suffering is a word in a book seldom read. For the rest of us, we’ll just continue living our shit pain lives of misery, while Brady struggles to lift his precious robot hands due to the weight of six way-too big rings that honestly look kind of dumb. We wouldn’t one anyway. Also television is dead, no one tried, and corporations are awful, translucent money goblins whose thin intentions are as easily read as that aforementioned suffering book. Mixed metaphors and amateur sports analysis overflow in this episode. Cause that’s what you signed up for.