Category Archives: Zero Credit(s)

The main episodes of the show.

Episode 115: Drunk Midterms Live-ish



Spoiler alert, we get political.

It’s election night in America and Henry and John are champing at the bit to spit their particular political opinions all over your ears. Yeah, it’s gross. This is politics. It tends to get gross. Nothing is held back. Political parties are dropped into pits. Politicians are dragged across the coals. Candidates are lifted up the mountain to be dropped off the other side. Voting is the real battlefield and the war zone is littered with the corpses of democracy. And at the center of this is a healthy serving of “fuck Ted Cruz” dished up by your local artisan rant-chef John. The boys are drinkin’ and thinkin’ and the Zeitgeist is a horrible demon to have on your shoulder when politics rolls around.

But fear not, my child-fams. There is a shining beacon of hope in all this darkness. Shrek is getting rebooted. And there’s nothing more pure in the world than an ogre voiced by Mike Myers.


Episode 114: Frightentimes 2: Finale: Ted the Caver



Have you ever wanted to willingly put yourself in a space so small that all you can do is wiggle your shoulders to move forward? Have you ever wanted to be in a situation where squeezing through a small space is the only way to explore where you’re going, knowing that to get back you’ll have to squeeze through that same small passage? Feel like risking your life for the sake of seeing something not many get to see personally because if something goes wrong you may die over the course of days, alone in the dark, as you slowly starve to death?

What am I saying, OF COURSE YOU DO. Caving is such a fun activity that it’s now mandatory. Hop in a cave, break your legs, and slowly lose your humanity to the darkness within. Who knows what you’ll crawl out as. A demons? A bats? Some rock? It’s all a mystery to us, but soon you’ll know pretty much gosh darn fucking everything there is to know about the dangers of just standing in a cave. Not even walking. Just standing in a cave could kill you. It’s dangerous to go alone, and watch your step cause that’s just a 30 foot drop in the floor for no reason and you have to jump over it to go further. Yeah, it’s just there. Sheer drop, 30 feet. Probably spikes at the bottom too cause why wouldn’t there be?

Caves. They’ll murder you without a second thought.

 

Music:
Unseen Horrors, Welcome to HorrorLand
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/


Episode 113: Frightentimes 2 Part 4: BURN WATER NOTICE



This week on Zero Credit(s)–THIS IS AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE CENTRAL AUTHORITY. PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT FOR THE DURATION OF THE EVENT, ALL RESIDENTS ARE TO BURN THEIR WATER BEFORE DRINKING, COOKING, EXISTING, OR RUBBING IT ALL OVER THEIR SKIN. AS SOON AS THE WATER LEAVES THE FAUCET, IT NEEDS TO BE BURNED IMMEDIATELY OR ELSE. REPEAT. ALL RESIDENTS ARE TO BURN THEIR WATER. THERE WILL BE NO EXCEPTIONS TO THIS ADVISEMENT. STAY TUNED FOR UPDATES TO THE CURRENT SITUATION, BUT BE ADVISED THAT OFFICIALS DO NOT SEE THIS EVER ENDING. WE RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING–puddles and puddles of blood and guts and viscera. Ugh, so gross. But it’s all here, for you fams! Enjoy!

Music:

Shadowlands 2 – Bridge, Welcome to HorrorLand
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/


Episode 112: Frightentimes 2: Part 3: Mass Rituals



WE’RE HALFWAY THROUGH THESE DREADFUL TIMES
BUT HOW WILL YOU PAY FOR ALL YOUR CRIMES?

CAN YOU FOLLOW THE PHANTOM THREAD?
STARRING DANIEL DAY LEWIS AND VICKY KRIEPS?

IT’S TOO SLOW FOR ME, BUT THAT’S JUST MY PERSONAL TASTE
NOT ENOUGH ACTION, TOO MUCH DRAMA IN YOUR FACE.

ANYWAY, IT’S TIME AGAIN FOR FRIGHT AND FEAR.
BELIEVE EVERYTHING THAT YOU HEAR.
IT’S REAL.

Music:
Shadowlands 2 – Bridge, Welcome to HorrorLand
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0//


Episode 111: Frightentimes 2: Part 2: Brought to You by the Dark Entry Forest Association



Week 2 of the Frightentimes is here /
The end of all things is near /

What awaits us at the end /
of life and death /
of foe and friend /

Urban legends get just a bit creepier this week as we dive into Dudley Town, the Georgia Guidestones, and The Death Comet.


Episode 110: Frightentimes 2: Part I: A Perfectly Normal Episode



Darkness. Deeper and deeper. In the dream you can never close your eyes, you always have to see it. Everything you’ve done thus far has lead to this, regrettably. You knew it was out there, you had the opportunity to do something, but you always shut your eyes to the only truth. The long-fingered hands followed your shadows and nerves from every room, backwards up the stairs. You knew that all you had to do was look, but you didn’t want to admit you were choosing the illusion. All of your friends were in on it, they had all seen us, and they were playing with you. Our wages echo in the weight of your false innocence, and now you’re home. You spent your life reading the lines, never between them, and now we’re going to show you the real music. Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name.

 

Music:

Unseen Horrors, Welcome to HorrorLand Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/


Episode 109: Bonebone & Peachode



We’re back to normal, folks, in this the first of many perfectly normal episodes, I, the description writer Clara, do declare. The boys have a lot of catching up to do, Zeitgeist-wise, but not a lot of time due to budgeting errors and overlong coverage of America’s favorite movie series of the past 8 weeks. So it’s a shorter episode and we hope you forgive us. Video games are a-buzzing as the internet adapts one of their time-honored traditions of turning everything into sexier versions of itself to the time-honored Nintendo franchise of Mario. Yes, Bowsette is here to ruin the art of the internet and only Mario can stop it, much to Peach’s chagrin. Also we get political. A tiny bit. Like a small amount. A mushroom shaped amount. The boys then swing into Spider-Man (DON’T FORGET THAT HYPHEN. -John) as Marvel, Sony, and Insomniac combined forces to deliver one of the most fun video games of the current year. And then time’s up. Watch out! Here comes the Zero Credit(s) podcast, now on Spotify!

Man, how time flies. In a month, I will have been here for exactly one year. Crazy crazy times. Well, see you next week!


Episode 108: A Ten-Pack of Pink Ping Pong Balls



So this guy is walking into a bar. He’s been having kind of a rough week and thinks he deserves a drink. He’s not like an alcoholic or anything. Not that there’s anything wrong with being an alcoholic, it’s a disease after all. Anyway, this guy notices in the window of the bar a very short man playing the piano. Not like a normally short person, but like this guy barely comes up to your knee, figuratively and actually. You wouldn’t want to actually compare his height to your shin on account you, you know, probably that’s offensive. Anyway this guy disregards what he’s seen because hey, the world takes all sorts, and goes into the bar. Now, his first stop is the bathroom, because he just got off work and he hasn’t been home yet to take care of his biological business. Don’t judge. Anyway, when he opens the bathroom door, he’s bathed in a golden light brighter than anything he’s ever seen. You know what he sees? You guessed it: a dang old genie, all glowing and floating as genies have a tendency to do. Now this guy might lead a pretty exciting life, but he rarely has call to hold court with genies despite what you might expect, so he is understandably taken aback. He closes the door, shakes his head, and opens the door again just to check, like a solid second-beat of a classic comedy routine, and bang: still genie. So this guy walks back to the bartender and says: “hey man, I think you’ve got a genie in your bathroom. Is that normal?” The bartender, shaking his head and dutifully wiping a glass, replies: “Yessir. That genie in the bathroom is a wish-granting genie. Anything you ask, he delivers.” The man really doesn’t want for much in life, but figures this is a when-in-Rome scenario and heads back to the bathroom. He stand before the genie and asks: “now I know you genies can’t speak unless you’re granting wishes. Under this arrangement, would you grant me world peace?” The genie smiles, fills his belly with genie energy, and bellows real loud “a swirl of geese!” And suddenly, wouldn’t ya know it, the bathroom is filled with flying geese. Now this man’s no fool, and he sees the situation for what it is almost immediately. He leaves the now goosified bathroom, walks up to the bartender, and says: “barkeep, I think that genie has a hearing problem.” The bartender shoots back a world-weary glance. “Sure, I know that. Now what’ll you have?” The man slides his card across the bartop and orders a New York sour. He looks over his shoulder at the twelve-inch pianist, playing sublime uptempo jazz, and slowly sinks into the realization that there are some things he’ll never understand.

 


Episode 107: Men Prefer Debt-Free Apes Without Tattoos Who Blew It Up, Goddamn You All to Hell



It’s African dust season here in Texas, and it has laid low 50% of the podcast, but you know that won’t break their stride. In the final install of their much-beloved and mucho-belated World Kup Korner, Henry and John reveal the ultimate winner and infinite loser of the Game of Foot Champions. John then poses one of the greatest philosophical hypothetics of our time: “why won’t a Japanese person finish a cigarette?” And the answer, it may surprise you, is ASTONISHINGLY BANAL. Henry then destroys all of our traditional notions of what men truly prefer with the help of The Transformed Wife, and your views on debt, promiscuity, and tattooedness will never be the same. Get ready to blow it all up, this week on Zero Credit(s)!


Episode 106: The John Denver Cross Media Platform But Still Largely Cinematic Universe



Henry’s back from the mountain with some very secretive cosmic secrets to share that just might reveal a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top (of Colorado). How many times have you noticed John Denver’s Country Roads (Take Me Home) in media? Maybe a little. . .too much? Hmmm. John then steers us unto a much more serious matter about things we encounter every single ding dong day of our gosh darn lives, man. And that’s streaming services. Sounds like there’s a new one in town curtailed by the one and only auteur film director Nicolas Winding Refn , whom we all know personally and love. Take it or live it, fams. Oh and happy Fourth of July, you American listeners, you. Independence is just a big enough thing to celebrate that it almost just barely fails to eclipse all of the injustices and anti-freedoms that our country is performing on an hourly if not even more frequent basis. It’s a mixed back of snacks, filled with centers that will both uplift and depress you, but at least there’s still the World Cup to discuss for one more week. Will John’s team of Croatia beat Henry’s team of Englan–what’s that? Oh, Croatia won? Huh. Well. Find out the thrilling conclusion of the World Cup Corner, next week, after it already happens!