Category Archives: Zero Credit(s)

The main episodes of the show.

Episode 127: Don’t Draw My Wife or: Umm… Howoh??



After an extended illness-and-Vegas-driven hiatus, the Boys are back to tackle their most challenging task: recording on an off-day. So you guys already know this is gonna be a weird one. I once read that there is a mental condition that when someone listens to people describing symptoms of being sick, they start to feel sick themselves. If you have that condition: SORRY. I regret to inform you that there is a classic Extended Riff on the flu and flu-like symptoms and boy it’s gross. However, if you happen to have a mental condition that benefits you upon hearing people joyously discuss Nintendo: you’re in luck! Because John finally bought a g-d Switch, so it’s all he can talk about. Now, on the other hand, if you have the specific mental condition that makes you the person who redesigned Sonic the Hedgehog for his upcoming movie, John is here to give you a royal dressing-down. It’s a real roller coaster for people with mental conditions, I guess. And despite on of the two hosts getting Literally Married and going to Literal Nevada, the Boys round it out by talking about brands crossing the line between relatable and despicable. The Zero Credit(s) podcast is ready. Draw her in your style.


Episode 126: What Didn’t We Watch (ft. Jamie)



John is sick. He may *sob* never record again. At least for this week, which is why for the first time ever, a ZCPC episode was recorded without him. This is an historic moment, one whose implications may very well echo all the way to next week. When Henry won’t be able to record. Anyway, scrambling to find a cohost, Henry did what he always does. He asked his fiancee. Soon to be wife. Like tomorrow to be wife. And as she’s done before, she said yes. She would love to be on the podcast. And so this happened. Jamie is here, Henry is here, John is not. They discuss the Oscars and what movies probably deserve to be there more so than others, all of which Henry and Jamie have not actually seen. Who the hell cares about A Star is Born? Who is that movie for?

I once met Bradly Cooper in a bar in Copenhagen on a Wednesday night in the Spring of 1995. I was sitting at the bar, minding my own business, when he sat next to me. He said in a low voice so that no one else could hear him, “Hey. My name’s Bradly Cooper. In 24 years, I’m going to direct a movie called A Star is Born with Lady Gaga and myself as lead actors.”  He looked around the bar to see if anyone else heard. But we were alone. Not even the bartender was there. He leaned back in. “You better go see it, buddy. Else I’ll be back. I’ll stab your dog, man. I’m not kidding. You better go fuckin’ see it. I have a knife, buddy. A real, big knife. And I went to classes to learn how to use it. I got my knife license, if you know what I mean. I paid out the ass for that license. I’ll stab your dog and then I’ll stab you. Go see my movie. Go see my fuckin’ moving. I’m not kidding. You think this is a joke?” He moved his jacket aside and I saw he had a large knife tucked into his belt loop. “Go see my movie. Go. Go now. Go to a theater and wait 24 years for my movie. I have things to do. I need to graduate acting school and star in Wet Hot American Summer. I have plans. But you go to the theater. I’ll call up theaters randomly and if you’re not there, waiting for my movie, I’ll be back. With my knife. And I’ll stab your dog.” He got up and was gone into the Copenhagen night. That encounter stuck with me for a long time and I’d think of him whenever I did manage to pop into a theater. Over all, I thought he was a nice guy. Cause he didn’t really escalate his threats and I’ve never had a dog.

It’s all here! On Zero Credit(s)!


Episode 125: The Fresh Prince Blues



Wedding bells are ringing in the distance. The Wedding Party is bearing down on our position. We’ve put up a good fight, but I don’t know how much longer we’ll last. Nuptials are imminent. In this episode, John tries to wring some amount of discussion out of the existence of Blue Will Smith, but Henry has seen ALL THE MEMES and does not wish to entertain the subject further, robbing listeners of untold joy. Then, the Boys are going on vacation! John, to the most magical place on Earth: Disney World! Henry, to some kind of wet clown dance in a desert. Marvel as Henry dishes out his top picks for Disney magic. Gasp as John recounts spinning apple ride horror stories. Tremble with anger as neither host mentions your favorite Disney attraction. It’s a whole new world just around the river bend Olaf, this week on Zero Credit(s)!

 


Episode 124: The Big Game LIII AKA Death of the American Monoculture



What up Sports Survivors, it’s hike time on the Zero Credit(s) Grid Iron and the New England Footballs are roarin’ to go up against the St. Lou–Los Angeles Helmeted-Men. In the aftermath, no one is left pleased, save for a small community of people on the East Coast who have literally never known pain, for they have lived in the golden era of summer that is the blandest team in football. I mean, if you’re a fan of the New England Sucktriots, then fine. Feel free to continue living your fucking privileged life where suffering is a word in a book seldom read. For the rest of us, we’ll just continue living our shit pain lives of misery, while Brady struggles to lift his precious robot hands due to the weight of six way-too big rings that honestly look kind of dumb. We wouldn’t one anyway. Also television is dead, no one tried, and corporations are awful, translucent money goblins whose thin intentions are as easily read as that aforementioned suffering book. Mixed metaphors and amateur sports analysis overflow in this episode. Cause that’s what you signed up for.


Episode 123: The RKO Heard Round the World



Recorded live in front of an unnecessarily loud refrigerator in beautiful Two Bedroom Apartment, Texas, it’s Zero Credit(s)! The Boys made a promise and, against good taste and better judgement, they stuck to their word. Join them this week as they discuss, in its entirety, the single most exhausting sporting event: the WWE Royal Rumble. The Semi-Knowledgable Force faces off against the Apathetic Object in this clash of wills. Will John ever stop talking about New Japan Pro Wrestling? Will Henry continue to tolerate Hornswoggle? Who will be left standing with the Intercontinental Bruiserweight Smackdown Tag Team Adrenachrome belt? Find out NOW, on this week’s episode of Zero Credit(s)!

 


Episode 122: A Juicy Start, A Hoppy Bite



Gather now, Brothers and Sisters, for time is short and growing shorter. We, the Arkane Order of Mystikal Magicks and Eldritkch Fpells, have a great deal to discuss. The Super Blood Wolf Moon has since waned and given way to a Normal Clean Nonwolfed Moon, but our Rites and Inkantations on that fateful night have finally begun to bear fruit. In addition to a very successful (but NOT literal, can’t stress that one enough) casting of Bezos Guillotinus, our Soul Gems have informed us that there was enough residual Krystal Energie to imprison the Archdemon Chris Brown in a Parisian Hypergaol. We are now closer to the Revivification of the Kabal than ever before, but we must remain vigilant. Even now, Magister Corbin Bleu’s influence grows, and all we can do is hope our Message will spread to all those who may hear it. Word of The Mouth is the only way we can survive. This gathering of the Arkane Order of Mystikal Magicks and Eldritkch Fpells is now adjourned. We want to wish you a happy week. Clap.

 


Episode 121: Two Thousand FIGHT-teen!



It’s a brand new year, fams, but man it doesn’t feel like it, does it? Same planet, same problems, as they say and the ZC boys are full of them (PROBLEMS, THAT IS). Henry and John started 2019 with a hang(over) and boy do they want to lament about it. Does this year feel like the year everything changes for the better? Boy does it not. I mean how can you have a perfect night of drunken reverie in New Year’s Eve only to have that dreamlike wonder shattered by going back to the same job with the same people and the same shittyness? It doesn’t seem fair. 2019 should be a year of change but from where we stand it seems the same. Let’s all hope there’s good things to come cause if there isn’t, well. Listen to the episode and extrapolate forward.

Also John is sober for the entire month of January. Good luck Henry. Good luck trying to be funny sober. I mean you don’t need the luck, but hey, here’s some extra luck just in case. You’re probably plenty funny sober, man. You just gotta have all this luck. Look, there’s more luck in the fridge. I put it in there when you were in the bathroom. It’s already in there so I won’t be taking it back. And if you find some more luck like under the couch cushions or something, you can have it, man. I’m not saying you need the luck, but like, you could use it. Hey, we can all use some luck. Some more than others. Not you though. You could use less. Which is a shame since your apartment is now completely packed with luck. Ha ha, well look at the time. I gotta go. And hey, have a good new year.


Episode 120: Best/Worst 2018



Well folks, 2018 is over. Yep. No more 2018 after you listen to this episode (EDITOR’S NOTE: IF YOU DON’T LISTEN TO THIS EPISODE, 2018 WILL NEVER END. YOU WILL FOREVER BE TRAPPED IN 2018 A LA GROUNDHOG’S DAY STARRING BILL MURRAY). Where does this year fall on the spectrum of Best/Worst? Find out by listening. That’s literally the only way. I don’t even know what it is.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS EPISODE IS OVER TWO HOURS LONG. GET A DRINK OR SOMETHING, CAUSE IT’LL BE A WHILE BEFORE YOU CAN STOP)

(editor to the editor’s note: the editor is unaware that podcast episodes can be paused. we have tried many times to instruct the editor, but alas our efforts have fallen short of their goals. please feel free to pause the episode as you see fit, as long as you promise to listen to the podcast episode in full.)

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year from everyone here at Zero Credit(s)!
EDITOR’S NOTE: INCLUDING ME!
editor to the editor’s note: yes, well, we did say from everyone. 

Music:
Nouvelle Noel Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/


Episode 119: Sober Sunday



The sun is high in the sky and the boys are high dry. It’s Sober Sunday in the Zero Credit(s) Studio (apartment), the holiest of holy days where no one gets drunk, no ways. In this blistering light, there’s only one thing to talk about. DC’s hit television show [citation needed] Legends of Tomorrow featuring all your favorite possibly fake plot lines that end up being real. People sat in a room around a table and discussed these plot lines and decided, yes, these are the ones we are going to put on television for people to see. I don’t care if it’s technically borrowing ideas from Back to the Future 2, I want Caesar to break into a history museum to steal a Roman Sports Almanac so he can make tons of that sweet, sweet Roman dosch. And without the beers, there’s more room for more content in the bellies of your ears! The Oscars are happening again (for some reason) and this time, the scandals are happening BEFORE the actual show (this is always the case, I do not know why Henry insisted on emphasizing the “before,” also I am 110% sure we’ve made this joke already). What’s the scandal? Who’s involved? Do you already know it? Odds are you don’t, because literally no one cared. It’s all here, it’s all beer, wait no it’s not, on Zero Credit(s): Sunday Edition!


Episode 118: Monopoly: Entertainment Conglomerate Edition



Everything is you love is converging into one giant shapeless mass. Hooray! This week the Boys are in top form as they tackle the hard-hitting subject matter of checks notes alcohols they’ve heard of but seldom drank. After that delightful and well-planned adventure, they checks notes jump right into the murky and interminable waters of intertextuality and anti-trust laws when they discuss the all-but-certain checks notes Disney-Fox merger. The real meat of the episode, however, is when the checks notes Boys turn to the eradication checks notes of adult content on Tumblr checks notes dot com. What will they reveal about their feelings toward adult content? Will John suddenly get an epiphany and safe places for people to explore their sexuality? Will we finally learn which of ZC Boys has seen pornography? Find out this week on checks notes WTF with Marc Maron!