*cough cough cough* Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there. You see, my eyes are really bad right now due to the rampant and dangerous spread of the coronavirus. *cough cough cough* But don’t just stand there. Come in, come in. Make yourself comfortable and let me regale you with the tale of Fast and Furious: Spyracers on Netflix. You see, young Tony Toretto was standing on the same street where his cousin Dom set the street racing record in his fabled 10 Second Car from The Fast and the Furious… Oh, you’ve heard this one before? Well then, I’ll have to resort to a tale no one has ever heard before. You see, deep in an animation lab at Dreamworks Animation, a particularly dedicated animator worked day and night agonizing over the perfect way to animate Vin Diesel for an upcoming show based in the Fast and Furious Cinematic Universe. No matter what this animator tried, nothing seemed to be good enough. Much to their dismay, an executive had the bright idea to send Vin Diesel himself along to check the progress being made on what was sure to be a great show on Netflix streaming now. That’s when the animator hatched a scheme to vile, not even On Animation Studios (makers of Playmobil movie) would resort to it. You see, there exists in the animation world a forbidden technique passed on in whispers throughout the hollowed halls that Disney carved. A way to…capture…real life. In desperation, this animator turned to the dark secrets of the past and ensnared Vin Diesel in a trap, pulling him straight into the world of Fast and Furious: Spyracers on Netflix. The world may never see another Vin Diesel movie again… *cough cough cough* You want to know more? Well, good thing I have an episode of Zero Credit(s) here. I’m going to go lie down now and possibly die of the coronavirus now.
The glitz. The glam. The nanobots pouring through your blood, erasing your memories while programming you to be the most dangerous hitman on the planet. Now you have to track down all the Academy members whose crimes you used to protect in order to take them out as you learn more and more about your gold-plated past. This summer, Vin Diesel will take down the Hollywood elite the only way he knows how: in a sleeveless shirt. But wait, who is this, lurking in the shadows of a derelict building? Is that… is that Jared Leto? And why is he…covered in blood? Oh he’s a vampire now? Huh. Well, okay. Suddenly, from the bushes emerges one of the world’s greatest heroes known the world over for his courage, bravery, and skills with a bow. That’s right. It’s Turok: Dinosaur Hunter, here to save the world from Dinosaurs once again. The Valiant Comics Cinematic Universe (and Morbius from the Venonverse) is primed and ready to explode onto the red carpet tonight as we honor a bunch of white men for their incredible achievements in film. Also Henry has a new music conspiracy theory and an update from his life featuring Chili’s. ALL HERE ON ZERO CREDIT(S).
Happy 2020 to all our lovely fams out there and buckle up, cause 2020’s all about getting (sober) WEIIIRRRRDDDD. That’s right (both Henry and John have decided to conduct a Dryanuary, where you don’t drink for the entire month of January) we’ve got some great content for you to kick off the new year. The studio is abuzz with anticipation (John actually turned to Henry once they were done recording and asked and I quote, “Is it possible to do this podcast sober? I feel like that wasn’t very good.”) of what this new year has in store for us and we already have a rocky start (Henry had no idea how to answer, as the driver at the wheel of his mind car had long fell asleep at the wheel with none of that exciting, electric energy that drinking gives him). War isn’t good (and would be a cause for one to turn to the drink, so it’s extra hard), but it seems we might be heading in that direction. Also discussed: Horse Games Suck Now and I’m Pissed, a rant penned by reddit user emus-with-teeth. We have it all for you in this first episode of 2020 (including a literal cry for help) and we can’t wait to ring in the new year here, on Zero Credit(s).
Well, it’s finally here. Performing for you. The first member of the DK Crew. Wait. I meant the end of the year. The end of 20FightTeen is here and we’re here to judge it. Was it a good? Was it a bad? Only by finding the best and worst things of the year can we tell, and that is what we are doing here today. Everyone join hands and await the fate of some of your favorite things. Movies. Video games. Cats from the Cats Movie. All of these and more await us in the great beyond that is Best/Worst. And we are here for it. Because we have no other choice.
Happy New Year to everyone from everyone here at the Zero Credit(s) 2 bed, 2 bath apartment studios. We’ll see you in 2020.
I know, right? It’s kind of outrageous. John hates Baby Yoda. It’s kind of disgusting. I can’t believe it either. Anyway, this episode of Zero Credit(s) is 50% crazy holiday time traditions and 50% just the latest episode of the Mandalorian. That’s about it, really.
Years ago, I was sitting in a Portland Cafe around 2 pm on Wednesday. I believe the cafe’s name was Brown Time. Local joint, good atmosphere. I was sitting there, sipping on a cup of warm Brown™, when comedian Bill Burr pulled up a chair and sat next to me. He looked me dead in my eyes and he whispers, “Listen here, buddy. This is a stick-up. I am robbing you here in this Brown Time in Portland, Oregon on a Wednesday at 2 pm. Here’s the thing though, palie. I don’t want your money. I don’t want your wallet. Keep it in your pocket, champ.” He looked around, to see if anyone had caught on to his plans, but everyone had their heads buried in their laptops and books. “No, I want something far more valuable, chum. I need your time. Give me your time. I need it. I only have so much time. And I spend more than half of it on stage. Telling jokes. I tell jokes on a stage and make people laugh, but there’s so much more I need to do. So I need your time.” Bill Burr took out a small handgun. He leveled it my chest. “This is a gun, buddy. And it shoots bullets.” He chocked the gun, because it was one of those guns with like the manual hammer thing that they use in movies. “I need your time, pall-o mall-o. I have some projects I want to be in. Star Wars. I’m going to be in Star Wars and no one can stop me but time. Cause I need to be on the road. I need the jokes. I need those jokes to live, skinbag. But Star Wars is so much more. I grew up on that sweet, sweet space opera. It could make my year, jerkboy. So here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to give me a month. That’s all I need. Just give me a month right here on the table. Just lay a month on the table and you can go. Just one month. It’s all I need. All I need is a month. One month.”
He squinted his eye and looked down the barrel of his small handgun.
So I did what anyone would do. I put one of my months on the table. It was a February I’d been saving for a special occasion. I don’t want to call Mr. Burr out, but he did steal a month of my time from me. And I’ll never get it back.
It’s Zero Credit(s)!
After a long two-week hiatus, the boys are stuffed like turkeys with that capital G, capital C Good Content. We’ve got your weekly Fast and Furious update, some promises to do a Best/Worst 2019 that may or may not happen, and a whole lot more before we inevitably dive into the supreme joke that is American politics. Joe Biden is making speeches again and boy does it just tickle John’s fancy. The moral of the story: Do Crimes. Just go out and Do some Crimes. Crimes are the future. Do them today*.
*In no way does Zero Credits endorse or support the Doing of Crimes from a legally actionable standpoint. Please do not sue us.
The new Pokemon game is out and it’s all the boys want to talk about in this, the beginning of the dark family holiday times of the year. How many Pikachu has John caught? Perhaps we’ll find out. But what is the all the internet hoopla about? Henry will explain. And then it’s just Pokemon all the way down before someone realizes half the episode is over and there are indeed other topics to talk about other than when Grookey evolves. You see, private equity firms are buying up all the older Pokemon and making it so you have to pay them to use Charizard. This creates an unfair advantage where only the super rich can use Charizard cause the private equity firms set the price is high (we’re talking like five zeros in Poke Dollars). It’s up to one unlikely hero to battle the private equity firms and free Charizard from their greedy clutches. And that hero is Taylor Swift. This holiday season, join Taylor Swift and her band of over several million twitter followers on their journey to end the Tyrannataur-tinity of Big Machine Records. Woah. Did we just make eye contact? That means YOU HAVE TO BATTLE ME. HEY. WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU ARE LEGALLY OBLIGATED TO BATTLE ME. DON’T RUN AWAY.
In the original cut of this episode, Henry and John discussed the new streaming service Disney+ and some issues surrounding the service that elevated to mainstream media, like Werner Herzog’s performance in The Mandalorian. Then, when it was time for the episode to come to home video via VHS, the editor decided to cut it so that Henry and John discussed Werner Herzog’s interview in Variety and take a deep dive into the corner of the Zeitgiest that is Werner Herzog’s interviews at large. This upset the fams who grew up with the original version of the episode, but neither Henry nor John acknowledges that it ever existed. Decades passed, the episode fell into the library of content owned by the megacorporation GE who owns several podcast collections they call the Podterion Collection. A new streaming service releases including all of the Podterion Collection, but rather than just upload the current version of this episode, GE decides to allow the editor to edit the episode another time. This time, Henry and John seem to discuss the new policy of one YouTube, who now holds the right to terminate channels they deem “non-commercially viable.” So I guess that’s the version of the episode that exists now. It’s Zero Credit(s)!
Still recovering from the…you know, let’s not mention it…that happened, Henry and John dive butt first back into the cultural happenings of the Zeitgeist like no other. Henry’s been to the first concert he ever actually enjoyed and boy does he have some thoughts to share about the experience of liking music. I mean, this will probably not be news to anyone who likes music, but for anyone wanting to examine what it’s like for someone who is basically 30 to enjoy live music for the first time, this is a treat. Then we’ve got a good update from our good Gen Z, Zoomer, Zillienial folks in the greatest retort to cockamamie bullshit that certain members of certain economic classes like to spew. It’s great. All of this comes before Zero Credit(s)’s official review of the reviews for Death Stranding. Is it time to stop reviewing new video games and let them be the experiences they want to be? Can we break the cycle between consumer, reviewer, and developer? I’m not sure. I mean, it’s like two decades old at this point. We have it all on this week of Zero Credit(s), as like as “all” is included in what is written here in this description.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU //
IT WILL START IN A SECOND OR TWO //
BUT BEFORE THE END BEGINS //
SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR DEAR FRIENDS //
FRIGHTENTIMES, THEY’RE HERE TO STAY //
AND RUIN YOUR LIFE IN EVERY WAY //
BUCKLE UP, SIT TIGHT, HANG LOOSE //
WHILE WE GET READY THE FINAL NOOSE //
Also, fuck D.B. Weiss and David Benioff.