John is missing. We can’t find him. Luckily, someone did, and by someone, we mean a country’s government did. They’re keeping him safe for now, but who knows how long they’ll keep him alive. It’s up to you, the fams, to locate him by solving a bunch of geographic puzzles and history clues. So get to it, fams. Go find John. He’s in a red trench coat, a red hat, long flowing black hair, and he might be a woman. You know, as a disguise. Also, Hamilton on Disney+ on July 3rd and more Mandalorian talk!
John has gone missing. He’s not sick or anything, so don’t worry. He’s just not here. So to fill the J-shaped void of John, Henry’s wife, and also her own person, Jamie steps up to the couch to discuss what’s currently happening in the Henry and Jamie household. Mostly, it’s watching TV. But what kinds of TV?! A new Star Wars movie directed and co-written by Taika Waititi? Well, no cause it’s not out yet. How about some riveting round-table discussions of the Mandalorian on Disney+? Not really, because round tables are dumb. Well then certainly the Disney singalong and Stephen Sondheim concert? Technically only Jamie watched that and she has a lot of thoughts on it. Well, then what did you watch, huh? You’ll have to listen to find out on this special quarantine edition of Zero Credit(s). (Middleditch & Schwartz)
In the original cut of this episode, Henry and John discussed the new streaming service Disney+ and some issues surrounding the service that elevated to mainstream media, like Werner Herzog’s performance in The Mandalorian. Then, when it was time for the episode to come to home video via VHS, the editor decided to cut it so that Henry and John discussed Werner Herzog’s interview in Variety and take a deep dive into the corner of the Zeitgiest that is Werner Herzog’s interviews at large. This upset the fams who grew up with the original version of the episode, but neither Henry nor John acknowledges that it ever existed. Decades passed, the episode fell into the library of content owned by the megacorporation GE who owns several podcast collections they call the Podterion Collection. A new streaming service releases including all of the Podterion Collection, but rather than just upload the current version of this episode, GE decides to allow the editor to edit the episode another time. This time, Henry and John seem to discuss the new policy of one YouTube, who now holds the right to terminate channels they deem “non-commercially viable.” So I guess that’s the version of the episode that exists now. It’s Zero Credit(s)!
Just when you thought it couldn’t get any hotter, Eva Longoria gets tapped to direct this Flamin’ Hot summer. Cheeto dust is blowing through town and there’s only one thing to do. Stay inside and take in all of Disney+’s sweet, sweet released week-by-week content. How do you enjoy your new hit shows? We’d like to just inject them directly into our veins, but big ole bad Disney is tryin’ to make us wait and learn patience.
Also, the ZC Boys step back into the Casting Director’s Chair to cast the new Flamin’ Hot Cheetos movie directed by Eva Longoria. Will Pete Holmes play a talking, animated Cheeto? We sure fucking hope so. There’s another topic I’m forgetting, but I think we already have you hooked with the Pete Holmes thing, so I’m just gonna excuse myself. It’s Zero Credit(s)!
It’s a new room and new show, folks, as Henry and John wrestle with technical difficulties and dropped audio. For those of you who do not know, dropped audio is a phenomenon in which audio that is supposed to be recorded just isn’t for some reason. Like the waveform (visual representation of recorded sound) looks fine besides some stuttering (visual lag), but when we stopped, there were just gaps of unrecorded audio. To combat this, Henry digs out that time honored and fam-favorite Ultra-Powerful, but Ultimately Shackled Fiendly Neighborhood Exposition Bot to plug those gaps. Also this entire episode is about Marvel and Disney and the return of James Gunn. Like, there’s a lot more covered, but really besides that and talking about Burger King in what sounds like an advertisement (we assure it is not), it’s just Disney and Marvel all the way down, folks. And with the Disney/Fox merger happening literally hours after this recording, we might just cover Disney again next week. Since you know, they ARE entertainment now.
We’re out here on the digital red carpet, talking to all the stars as they upload their consciousnesses to the Hollywood Theater Chatroom. We’ve downloaded it all. The Shape of Water, Call Me By Your Name, Ladybird, Dunkrik, others, I’m sure. John and Henry are ex-cite-d to say the least about these 90th Annual Academy Awards and boy is this episode long. Every award is discussed. Each one. Even the technical awards. Because every award matters and skipping commentary on even one of these prestigious awards is a cardinal sin against the house that Chaplin built. Who wins? Who goes home in shame, never to be heard from again until their inevitable next nomination? Who will we see in at least two more movies after their win, as ordained in the Academy Winners Contract? We’ve got the tips. We’ve got the tricks. Everything is here and we don’t have a bit or byte to spare. Let’s blow our budget, it’s Zero Credit(s)!
Ext. Morning, cloudy.
Charles Dance sits at a table in the courtyard of a brutalist skyscraper. He watches a couple meet and hug, as though they haven’t seen each other in quite some time. He is not moved by their reunion, despite his piqued interest. The couple moves to leave the courtyard and he stands up from the table. Maybe he’s interested in where they’re going. Maybe he can figure out what prompted their emotion, get to the essence of what makes them human in order to better understand humanity. He begins to walk but he hears the soft ping of a silenced pistol, firing twice. Two bullets rip through him from behind, taking his life and all intentions of finding out about the couple he saw in the courtyard with it.
Charles Dance steps onto the scene, tucking a silenced pistol into his coat. “Let the ga–” Two soft pings of a silenced pistol rip through the air, striking Charles Dance in the back, taking his life and all intentions of finishing his sentence with it.
Charles Dance steps onto the scene, tucking a silenced pistol in his coa– Two soft pings of a silenced pistol rip through the air, striking Charles Dance in the back, taking his life and all intentions of tucking his pistol into his coat with it.
The camera pans to reveal Charles Dance, taking a pistol from somewhere in his coat and raising it toward Charles Dance, who just shot Charles Dance, in front of him, but before he can pull the trigger, he hears the soft pings of silenced pistol firing twice and is struck twice in the back, taking his life and all intentions of shooting Charles Dance in the back to take his life and intentions of tucking the silenced pistol into his coat and presumably saying, “Let the Games Begin,” before walking off screen with it.
The camera pans over a courtyard full of the bodies of Charles Dance in various states of having shot or being shot by Charles Dance.