The glitz. The glam. The nanobots pouring through your blood, erasing your memories while programming you to be the most dangerous hitman on the planet. Now you have to track down all the Academy members whose crimes you used to protect in order to take them out as you learn more and more about your gold-plated past. This summer, Vin Diesel will take down the Hollywood elite the only way he knows how: in a sleeveless shirt. But wait, who is this, lurking in the shadows of a derelict building? Is that… is that Jared Leto? And why is he…covered in blood? Oh he’s a vampire now? Huh. Well, okay. Suddenly, from the bushes emerges one of the world’s greatest heroes known the world over for his courage, bravery, and skills with a bow. That’s right. It’s Turok: Dinosaur Hunter, here to save the world from Dinosaurs once again. The Valiant Comics Cinematic Universe (and Morbius from the Venonverse) is primed and ready to explode onto the red carpet tonight as we honor a bunch of white men for their incredible achievements in film. Also Henry has a new music conspiracy theory and an update from his life featuring Chili’s. ALL HERE ON ZERO CREDIT(S).

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