Sometimes in life, things don’t go your way. It’s frustrating, but that’s just how it shakes out. You do everything you can to make your vision come true by posting hateful things to twitter and arguing with your family on facebook, but these things can’t and won’t change the outcome of the presidential election. What are you to do? You have no options other than to calmly move on with your life, go to to work like you do every day, and come home to your family and watch your favorite Quibi shows on Roku with ads. Or maybe you’re into gaming and you boot up the Bethesda/Machine Games new Indiana Jones video game. But whatever you do, don’t storm the capitol with the intention of hurting anyone or overthrowing the government. Don’t do that. It won’t solve anything and the FBI will track you down and arrest you. People will laugh at you. So just sit down and let’s watch some Golden Arm on Roku with ads, shall we?
The more we learn about this absurd streaming service, the more it makes sense. There’s some sort of morbid, magnetic attraction to finding out just why the streaming service that caters to people watching on their cell phones failed. And for the most part it’s obvious. Cause it’s a streaming service that caters to people watching on their cell phones. But how did we get here? How did we get to the point where Quibi is a reality? That’s what we keep discovering and when we discover more of that, we also realize just why it failed. So we’re stuck in this loop of reading more about Quibi and realizing why it failed and then more people release information about Quibi and we realize even more why it failed.
When something fails this fast, this hard, it’s worth studying, since so much money and so many releases just become staples of our lives and this one just didn’t in the most spectacular, expensive way possible. Also, we’re really just fishing to become sponsored by Quibi.
In the continuing series of bad things happening, there comes a moment when they keep happening. The Zeitgeist is not a series of closed off events separated by time. It is a nebulous flow of never ending ghost energy that permeates everything we do, think, and say and to that end, we got a bunch of updates of things we’ve already talked about. JK Rowling’s back, as is Quibi, and the 512 Pecan Porter flows like water. Come take dip in our smooth pecan info blasts. This week on Zero Credit(s).
The legends speak of the impossible – dragons have returned to the world and Hatsune Miku, the mother of dragons, is their master. Luckily, she’s across the world and can’t threaten us here, but it will only be a matter of time until she crosses the sea and tries to claim what she believes is rightfully hers. Luckily, John has a new fitness beer to give him the buff buzz he needs in order to withstand the fiery breath of the wraith of Quibi – and he’s dead. It’s up to Henry now to try and stand up to the likes of JK Rowling’s weird stance against transpeople – and he’s dead too. Wow, dragons are like…tough. I guess no one can stop Hatsune Miku. It’s all here, this week on Zero Credit(s)!
Hello there, Quibidiots, it’s your boys Henry and John coming straight to you with the latest Quibinfo-dump. We’ve got all the fresh takes on all your favorite Quibi Shows, like Michael Peña Makes Pizza, Chevy Chase’s Credit Check, and Judge Teigan. Hold on to your Quibutts, cause it just gets more Quibigreat. We got Daniel Craig and Felicia Day Talk About Their Cats, Sam Rami’s 50 States of Fright, and Charlie Day’s Day, where Charlie Day just talks about his day. We’re going to cover all of these shows and more, because Quibi is the streaming platform of the futur– and my phone just died. So I guess we can’t watch the latest episode of Justin Roiland Sitting in a Room with No Microphone. Damn. Okay, I’m going to plug my phone in and then I guess we can keep going, but until then, Henry and John can discuss something unimportant like the impact of opening state economies too early or something.